rebeccakuder

my essay, “Everywhere is War”

To help launch their new anthology, Nothing Compares to You: What Sinead O’Connor Means to Us, editors Sonya Huber and Martha Bayne invited others to submit essays, which Sonya would share on her e-newsletter (Nuts and Bolts from Sonya). You can read “Everywhere is War,” my essay inspired by watching Sinead O’Connor destroy a photo of the Pope on Saturday Night Live. (Content note: description of child sexual abuse.)

p.s. It means so much to me, as a survivor of child sexual abuse, to tell my story. The act of telling (and writing, and sharing) brings the issue out from the shadow of shame. I am grateful to be alive at a time when we can do this. I am grateful for all the love and support that helps us heal. Thank you for being part of my healing.

rebeccakuder

RIP Sinéad  O’Connor

Sinead O'Connor on Saturday Night Live, 1992, tearing a photo of Pope John Paul II.

(Content note: sexual abuse)

I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse.

When I was nine years old, I was molested by an adult. I wrote about the abuse in an essay here. (And I’ve written about it on my blog.)

I am grateful to all the love surrounding me and other survivors who are healed and healing, so that we can survive, so we can be healed and be healing. Beyond Sinéad O’Connor’s music itself (which is a potent container for my brokenness and rage more generally), being a survivor is one reason I am feeling the impact of the death of Sinéad O’Connor.

I remember watching Saturday Night Live on October 3, 1992, when she sang “War” by Bob Marley (which she had adapted to include indictment of child sexual abuse). And then tore apart her mother’s photo of Pope John Paul II. Her invocation, her voice, her conscious action. How she was standing up for children. I remember seeing it happen live on SNL, and how I felt then, how courageous and powerful she was, when I was only beginning to comprehend how my abuse history had impacted my life and my living. I believe that my abuse was passed on to me (via another human’s un-metabolized trauma) due to abuse which had happened within the context of the Catholic Church. I remember how, back then, even though survivors were beginning to emerge from the shadow of shame, still, how hard it was for me to speak about what happened to me. But I did. Later I confronted my abuser. That confrontation was an important part of my healing. Over many years, I have been able to move through and metabolize the trauma. I have been very fortunate in this journey.

I remember how I felt back then, and I celebrate how I feel now.

Sinead O’Connor spoke and stood for many of us who are survivors. I am grateful to have existed when this human and artist also existed. If you don’t understand why people are feeling her death, here is one reason: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSLyEPeWjNk

(This post was repurposed & woven into my essay, “Everywhere is War,” which you can read on Nuts and Bolts from Sonya, Sonya Huber’s e-newsletter.)