Somebody please give me the keys…

Behold the new boss of the world!

Because if I were boss of the world, I would:

1) Outlaw tobacco companies, and train all their employees to work for new, innovative companies that promote smoking cessation and preventive health facilities.  Don’t worry, they would all still have jobs: the CEOs could clean the bathrooms.

2) Invent something that would make texting (and talking non-hands-free on a cell phone) impossible while driving.  Maybe it would involve an electronic force field that makes cars immune to the technology.  I might make something where people could speak text messages, but we’ll see.

3) Invent something that would disallow anyone from using cell phones or text messages until they were mature enough to understand that the person you are sitting with LIVE is more important than whoever just sent you the following zeros and ones: “sup?”

4) Manufacture bikes, good walking shoes, and gardens that could feed towns and make things all pretty and easy and better for the planet.  I’d get everyone some new comfy shoes, like Kevin Klein’s character did in “The Big Chill.”  Happy boxes.

Like Nick Cave (Grinderman) said in the fabulous ditty called “Get It On”:

“I’ve got some words of wisdom!”

Oh yeah, I’ve got lots more where those came from.

Where are my keys?